This is not an update.
almost 5 years ago – Wed, May 15, 2019 at 02:17:07 AM

Hey Everyone!

This is not an update. Remember I said I was done writing updates? That was true. 

I just wanted to NOT update you all on a couple of things. First, if you want to keep getting ACTUAL updates, please subscribe to my monthly NEWSLETTER. You can do that by completing the form here:

http://eepurl.com/gc3sjf

If you have already subscribed, thank you and sorry for asking again. But now our relationship has sort of changed...Instead of asking you for one big thing, then celebrating each success as the big thing became real, now I'm just going to keep asking you for little things.."Hey, check this out" "Buy this new thing" "Please, I need more severed thumbs covered in Dorito dust"...stuff like that. It might be annoying sometimes, but I'm going to try my best to also make it vaguely entertaining.

Anyway, check out the ARCANE BULLSHIT STORE if you haven't  already. I added a couple of things that weren't available during the campaign.

Also, if anyone still hasn't received their rewards and hasn't reached out to me yet to fix that, please email me at [email protected].

Thank you all again for being absolute sparkling lions made of moondust.

Love and Bullshit,

-EVAN

THIS IS (sh)IT.
about 5 years ago – Fri, Mar 22, 2019 at 09:39:30 PM

HEY EVERYONE!

This is (probably) my completely ultimate final utmost Kickstarter update! 

I have pretty much fully fulfilled my Kickstarter promises and that is FUCKING AMAZING. Remember back on [whatever date] when this thing was just a bunch of words and pictures and a video that I don't care to ever see again? 

Back then I had no idea that ARCANE BULLSHIT would become the global smash hit that it is today. Now it's easily just as popular as American Idol, M.A.S.H., tropical fruit, the letter L, roads, hospitals, pet hospitals, petrol-burning automobiles, complaining about the government while secretly enjoying roads and hospitals, the war of 1812, and even jazz oboe. 

UPDATE: I just got a Google alert that we have surpassed jazz oboe, but now something called "the horse basket challenge" is leading us in popularity points. Oop, now that has been overtaken by something called "Pimp Nugget 3D". Stay tuned.

Here is some final housekeeping bullshit so nobody can say I ghosted on you guys when you needed me  most. 

Final Shipping Shit

EVERY SINGLE FUCKING thing has now been deployed into the mail-o-verse. There are a couple of errors I'm still following up on, but 1097 shipments have been delivered to 35 countries! That is 17% of all known countries, unless I did math and things wrong which is very likely. If you'd like to report a newly discovered  country (for example, if you suspect that your neighbours might be hiding one in their guest bedroom), please email [email protected] so I can update my list. If you know how to calculate percentages, I'm sure your parents are very proud of you. I know I am. 

Where to Get your Bullshit

The Arcane Bullshit pre-order store is GONE! 

Now you can order shit directly from me at arcanebullshit.com. I've raised prices a little bit, and now I'm charging taxes to Canadian customers because the government won't be satisfied until they've turned this whole fucking country into one gigantic hospital filled with roads and everyone's abdomens are stuffed with kidneys.

You can currently go to my store and get free shipping (to Canada and the US) on stuff until March 24 using the code BULLSHIP-17.

How to Live Without Kickstarter Updates

I know right now you're probably starting to panic. You're thinking "I guess my life is over because I will have no manic ramblings to decipher each Friday. What am I going to talk about with the boys as we gather around the conversation rock?" Well, stop thinking about those depressing realities! Because in this reality I am going to keep expressing all my most trivial (yet alienating) thoughts and feelings in a BRAND NEW Newsletter format. You can (and should) sign up for the ARCANE BULLSHIT Extravapalloozmic Mailgasm Experience using this link:

http://eepurl.com/gc3sjf

When you do that you'll get (approximately) monthly updates on all my latest Bullshit. Stuff like:

• New products and stuff
• Where I'll be selling stuff (hint: maybe it's near you!) 
• Boring stories about times bus drivers were mean to me
• Special deals and promotions
• Other various things that I think are funny
• Excessive bullet lists and jokes about them

So sign up TODAY! 

Arcane Bullshit: The Town, Update

Here is a diagram I made that better describes my vision for Arcane Bullshit: The Town, which is a town I'm still very much planning to found once we hit peak popularity and influence. 

I hope that answers your questions.

I am going to stop writing this now, and the Arcane Bullshit Kickstarter is going to be mostly over until someone reminds of a thing I forgot to do and I have to come back and do it.

Once again, THANK YOU EVERYONE who contributed to the campaign and forced me to learn so much about the logistics of international shipping and the correct application of cellophane tape and the health benefits of a weekly sustained 6-minute scream. What a beautiful, shitty time it's been.

Love and Bullshit Forever, 

-EVAN

Mercury Shitrograde
about 5 years ago – Sat, Mar 16, 2019 at 02:29:04 AM

Hey!

I know I sometimes like to start these messages by talking about how it's Friday. I've had a lot of complaints from the Thursday lovers in the group, so I'm going to forego discussing that aspect of the calendar even though I just find it so interesting that it's Friday. 

Moving right along, shipping progress continues. Last time I checked 1000 FUCKING ORDERS had been delivered. Please take a moment to bow your head and gently whisper the name of your favourite arboreal rodent in tribute to Postula, Goddess of mail. If you're still waiting on a package...

Fuck-ups: Errors and Omissions 

One cool fuck-up I forgot to mention in my grand masochistic list of fuck-ups last week was the Poster debacle. Long story short, I didn't properly seal some of the poster tubes and they showed up at their destination empty. I didn't do that deliberately as a metaphor to teach you about the inherent emptiness of life and cylinders. Although, if you think about it, isn't life just a long empty cylinder? Don't think about it too much. 

Anyway if you got an empty tube and were too fearful and self-hating to ask for a replacement, let me know. You can have an actual poster AND keep the lesson you learned about life being unfair because I think it still applies. 

Secret Secrets From the Annals of Arcane Secritude

Some folks have started to ask questions probing for some kind of larger narrative, or hidden meaning behind the deck's various evolutionary stages. Of course there isn't one, but this interest made me realize that people will believe things that I tell them. So here are some secrets about the Arcane Bullshit Deck:

• The deck is ten million years old. It was discovered in a cave, or where old things are found. A tomb?
• The severed fingertip on the back of the cards is actually a tribute to a backer (I won't name you unless you want me to) who lost their fingertip during the campaign.
• If you arrange the cards in order of sexiness, you have just wasted several minutes of your life, but maybe also learned some weird things about yourself.
• The shiny writing around the edges of the inner box looks like complete nonsense, and it is. This is a long list of card ideas I've written down over the years, but never used. If you read it out loud at dinner with your parents, they will politely ask you to stop.
• The average person could probably throw the deck about 25 meters (~11.36 Shaquille O'Neals) straight up in the air.
• There used to be a card called "The Insect", which was just a fucking beetle and it was boring as shit.
• There is probably no significance behind the fact that most of the penises depicted in the deck appear to be circumcised. 

Making Fun of Angels 

I have said before that I don't hate Tarot. I actually love it. Some of you might think that's just me trying to dial back my edginess to avoid alienating customers and restricting my commercial allure, but don't worry, there are absolutely things that I hate and I'm not afraid to talk about them (people who make those plastic packages that you think you can open with a grippy or sharp part of your body but ultimately always have to open with scissors, I'm coming for you next). 

The one thing on the tarot spectrum that I hate is fucking anything to do with angels or fucking fairies. You know the ones I'm talking about. It's like they were made by someone who is nine years old, but also somehow a grandma. These decks are always both weirdly sexual and completely naive in a way that makes my blood cringe. But sometimes a "guardian angel oracle" or "Special Divine Affirmations from Airy Fairy Cloudtown" deck just absolutely nails the level of absurdity that I aspire to. Here is an actual card from the Archangel Power tarot, which has probably sold millions of copies.

SO, there it is. I've taken my shot at the Angelfairy Industrial Complex. I guess I'll see you all in hell. 

I can't remember if there was any actual news I wanted to report this Friday. Probably not. As always, if you're looking for news about your deck's location you can email me at [email protected]. 

I'm going to shut down pre-orders at midnight tonight, but shortly after that I'll have my very own online store set up (https://www.arcanebullshit.com). I'm also going to work on getting you all subscribed to a new email newsletter because hanging around Kickstarter is starting to make me feel like the 2000 year old ghost who never graduated and haunts a high school and still talks to the students for some reason. 

This probably isn't the last Kickstarter update, but almost. 

So long!

-EVAN

LIES! DECEPTION! BULLSHIT!
about 5 years ago – Sat, Mar 09, 2019 at 01:53:20 AM

Hello, my Bullshit family

This is still almost the end of the Kickstarter! I think I'll consider it THE END™ when ALL* of the packages have been delivered, the sky has turned to tar, and flaming beasts with no fewer than eleven eyelids (per eye) and great fiery strength in their loins, who never use condoms, and who are all named Peppercorn walk the earth.

At this moment, 872 packages of Bullshit have been delivered. That feels very good. I think the reason it feels good is because I hate mailing boxes now. But also because 872 is a magical number that, when flipped (ᄅㄥ8), then deciphered using the secret code embedded in every issue of US weekly, spells "Tumescent Wind" (puᴉM ʇuǝɔsǝɯn┴), which obviously means something very serious and important. I, for one, totally know what it means. 

Shipping Update

I pretty much just gave you all the hottest shipping gossip up there ↑, but here's slightly more stuff...

• All of the Kickstarter orders have shipped out 
• They seem to be arriving in most places in North America and Western Europe – Poland, I see you, and your Bullshit is coming very soon. 
• If you're not getting the tracking info you feel you deserve, you can try messaging me and I'll see if I can dig up more info
• If you moved recently without updating your survey info, let me know
• If you're a pre-orderer and you're following these updates, your shit will be shipping out this month
• I'm going to shut down pre-orders NEXT FRIDAY, MARCH 15th
• Arcane Bullshit will be available via my website (arcanebullshit.com) sometime after March 15

Fuck-ups, Lies, Apologies, Cover-ups, Scandals, MURDER...ok, no, not murder

I want to take a minute to review some of the greatest fuck-ups of this campaign. I know that, generally, trust isn't an issue with us. You guys seem to be mostly happy with everything that's happening, so I probably shouldn't admit to all the things I didn't quite get right, but I want to anyway. Because although the best Bullshit is thick and opaque, mine is completely transparent. I have spoken to a specialist about this, and they told me to get the fuck out of their auto repair shop. 

Here is the list of known fuck-ups to date:

•  Fuck up Number 1: One thing I said in the initial campaign was that "certain content" in this first edition of the newly revised deck would be "exclusive" to Kickstarter backers. I definitely lied about that. For logistical purposes, it didn't make sense to create multiple versions of the deck at this stage. With the funds we raised I bought 2000 copies of the deck. As we know, 1,174 of those were reserved by backers. The remaining 826 are up for grabs, using capitalism. Even the most basic capitalism user can capitalize upon them by casting a low level commerce spell. BUT EVAN, DOESN'T THAT ERODE THE SACRED SPECIALNESS OF MY DECK??? Yeah, sure. A little bit. But here's what's going to happen next: this first printing of 2000 decks will be the ONLY VERSION EVER to include the 'Holy Shit, Stop Asking' card. Not because I don't like it, but because I love changing shit for no reason. Future iterations of the deck will probably also have several other changes nobody asked for, and gradually – so gradually that you don't even notice – every card is going to be replaced with slices of provolone cheese, prosciutto, and unleavened bread. They're just going to be weird flat, dry sandwiches. That was my plan all along.
•  Fuck up Number 1.1: There's a stupid error in the booklet, which some of you have asked about. The text for "A Uterus With Feet" (a late addition to the deck, which many scholars suggest may not actually exist) is actually a duplication of the text for "Aunt Brenda". I don't know if you know this about me, but I really like things that don't make a lot of sense, so I'm ok with this for now. I'll probably fix it in the future, but I might also just get rid of one of those cards and deny that it ever existed. Do you need to know what was supposed to be written there? No. Of course not. Who cares?
•  Fuck up Number 6.666: There's that thing where I said I'd make shit gold, but made it black instead. That was really more of an 'informed course adjustment' than a mistake, and I stand by it because the black edges are FUCKING SIIIICK. Is that how cool teens talk? Am I talking to cool teens? Probably. STAY IN SCHOOL, don't fuck up your lower back, always make sure your partner orgasms, and please be patient when old men without etherports don't understand how to use the HyperCube at the grocery store.
•  Fuck up Number C) I don't think there are any more known fuck ups at this point. As far as I know, the only real issues are those first three things. Sure, maybe there are typos in the booklet, or comma splices in my updates, or your deck is made of asbestos, or filled with razor sharp mollusks, but those are all pretty inconsequential so let's all just relax and take a deep breath and withdraw our claims with the Mollusk Protection Tribunal.

So there you have it. I'm sorry if for some reason you bet someone money that I would get through this campaign without changing my mind or making mistakes. All in all, I think we did great. Have I ever said THANK YOU? Have you ever not felt personally thanked? Well, [insert your name], I just want to look you straight in your [body part where you prefer to be addressed] and tell you that YOU are very special and you have absolutely nothing to fear. That amount of swelling is perfectly normal. And also THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH IN YOUR FUCKING THANK-HOLE, YOU BEAUTIFUL ANGEL DREAM. I HAVE DREAMS ABOUT YOU WHERE WE'RE RIDING A HORSE. JUST ONE HORSE FOR THE TWO OF US. I BOUGHT YOU A HORSE. IT'S STUCK AT THE BORDER. PLEASE PAY THE DUTIES AND CLAIM YOUR HORSE. OK YOU KNOW WHAT I'M JUST GOING TO KEEP IT. <whispering> Thank you for your support, and also for this horse. (rides away on horse)...

So that's it. Did you really read this whole thing? Even that part about the horse?

That's the end. I will definitely do at least one more of these. Please express all your emotions in the comments.

-EVAN

The Loveliest Stupid Project Ever.
about 5 years ago – Sat, Mar 02, 2019 at 01:37:00 AM

Hello friends, 

I think that logically this should be my last Official Kickstarter update. 

That would make sense. 

A while back I made a mostly-earnest plea for your support. 1,174 fine folks on at least 5 (out of god knows how many) motherfucking continents focussed their weird intent (and, more importantly, their weird money), and enabled me to do a fucking weird thing. The fucking weird thing of my dreams.

I'm sure that all of you were driven by an anarchic spark, a desire to watch institutions crumble, a fear of existing in a world bound by brutal, inflexible rules. And also you probably like animals and penises and skulls. Maybe you just wanted to make a nerdy middle class white dude sweat. And you may have been drunk. It was the perfect storm of social disaffection, mischief, fear, spite, drunkenness, and maybe even love. And now here we are. Sweaty, confused, cut in inexplicable places by tape dispensers, but just absolutely drenched in love and re-heated coffee...and a third substance my doctor says not to worry about. Hopefully it's just a second more viscous kind of love.

Now that I've sweated all the sweat, spread all the sheets, channelled all the bizarre images, packed and unpacked all the boxes, spent over 40 thousand dollars, and been surprised, delighted, and overjoyed at least 40 thousand times, the stupid fucking project is almost complete. It probably hasn't been the stupidest project ever on Kickstarter, but I think it just might be the loveliest stupid project ever on Kickstarter – so, once again, THANK YOU. Thanks to everyone who pledged money, or added words of support, or let their dog take a shit of encouragement on my lawn. Thanks for being patient, and trusting, and funny as fuck EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. DAY. 

But I'm not completely finished writing updates. This is just the first (of probably way too many) final updates. I'd like to parcel out the sincerity so I don't get too distracted from the fevered nonsense rants you've grown to love. The kind where you wake up afterwards in a dank cave, surrounded by homunculi formed from suet and clay, with a nosebleed and clutching a fox skull full of jelly beans. 

But maybe you wanted some actual information. To be completely honest, there isn't much left. Here are some final scraps:

Arcane BoxShip Shipping Progress

By now it should be obvious that some people are getting their shit, while others are at home filling empty absinthe bottles with tears. I sincerely wish that the entirety of the earth could be blanketed in warm, fresh Bullshit all at once, but the reality is that I am just an idiot with a thesaurus who is poorly equipped for shipping thousands of things (apart from owning the aforementioned tape dispenser). By some miracle, as of yesterday (Thursday, February 28), ALL of the Kickstarter orders have been sent out. There are still some pre-orders I have to dispatch, but KS backers were my first priority. 

At this exact moment, 552 packages have been delivered and 622 are in transit. Depending on where you live, it can take anywhere from 4-22 days to get your thing. If you're in Canada or the US, you'll be closer to the 4 than the 22. None of the shipments to Europe, Asia, Australia, New Zealand, or South America have been delivered yet. So if you don't have a thing yet, don't panic. It is in the air or in the sea, or on the back of an enormous goldfish amidst a swirling cosmic void, depending on which one of my guesses about how the mail works is correct. If you're really dying for some concrete info, you can always email me ([email protected]) for slightly more precise information. 

Pre-orders

If you have a friend, loved one, dentist, personal assistant, weed dealer, or weed dealer's cousin who needs to seize control of the Bullshit in their life, ARCANE BULLSHIT is still available for pre-order. Pre-order in this case just means that I'll send them out when I feel like it. Probably sometime this month. I will be closing pre-orders at the end of the month. There may be a few days in April when ARCANE BULLSHIT is almost completely unavailable to the masses, but then I'll be re-launching my website where you can buy the deck directly, along with most of the add-on items you could get during the campaign, and probably eventually some different and new things. 

Have you got an idea for a different or new thing I should sell? Arcane Bullshit branded Cultist-style robes? Ironing boards? Salad Tongs? I would love to hear all your weird, financially ruinous ideas.

I'll leave you to think about how to ruin me, financially or otherwise. I am all out of information and caffeine. 

Love and Bullshit, 

-EVAN